they need to just BURY HIM!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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