You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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