No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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