This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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