Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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