I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
