god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
