it's not cheating when I paid for it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
