As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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