I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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