Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
