sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
