Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
