The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
