how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
