It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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