you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
