He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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