i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
