I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
