a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
