I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Randomize
