I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
