dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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