my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
