please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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