I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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