I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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