Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
