Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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