I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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