I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
