i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
