i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
