You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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