dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
