He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
