he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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