Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
