Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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