ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
