I didn't shave. On purpose
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
