I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
