Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
