shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
