Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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