He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
