Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
