He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
