I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
