this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
