and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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