I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
