I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
