Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
