My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
