FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize