so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
