I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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