I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
